As a mom, a psychologist and a parent coach, I believe that healthy relationships are the main ingredient for effective parenting. When we, as parents, are hacking this ‘relationship’ space, then we are on our way to raising children who will experience healthy and thriving relationships when they eventually leave our nests.
So, what do I mean by healthy and thriving relationships with our children? Is it even possible to have healthy relationships with our children and still maintain our authority and influence over them?
I have talked to many parents who believe that it is not possible. In fact, the common phrase I hear is, ‘You cannot be your child’s friend and parent at the same time’. And I get it – I get why. Many of us may have grown up in environments where friendship with a parent was not an option. But, when you really think about it, what is a good friend? Just think about it for a moment. When I think about those I consider as my good friends I think about – someone I can count on when things are difficult. Someone I can share my deepest concerns with, without feeling judged. A friend is someone who will lovingly correct me when they see I am going wrong.
Friendships have boundaries too and I get the feeling that you desire that kind of a relationship with your children. A relationship where they feel safe enough to come to you with their deepest concerns, with their fears, their struggles, even their mistakes and failures. The only challenge here is that many parents are afraid that if they allow this space with their children, then they will lose their influence and authority.
Here is the thing – it is possible to have a healthy relationship with your children and still maintain your authority and influence. Granted, it will take a lot more work from you, but it is possible to take small steps towards that. So, how can you create a healthy environment in which your children experience you as a friend, and still regard you as the authority in their lives?
Here are seven tips that have more to do with YOU, than they have to do with your child.
Focus on your own inner wellness.
There is a quote by Dr. Shefali Tsabary that we us often in our parenting classes. It says - “unless you are fulfilled, you will use your children to complete you. You will teach them to live with your unacknowledged fears, rejected emptiness and forgotten lies, all the while unaware you are doing so”. So, my question to you is, what are your fears, anxieties, concerns? Are you well? Unless you work through any spaces of baggage, fears, anxieties, pain, guilt… you will use your children to fill you up. And that is not fair to your kids. Your kids need you to be healthy and whole. You cannot pour from an empty cup. So, take a good honest look at yourself, and begin to work on issues you need to work on. You may need to see a friend, a mentor, a coach, even a therapist to help you. But that is OK. Go ahead. DO your children a favor and stop teaching them how to live with your fears.
Drop the image of the ideal-parent
Thanks to social media, we are bombarded on an hourly basis with images of the perfect parent – the one whose kids are so well mannered, love their vegetables, sit still in church, follow perfect schedules and have very neat little rooms and never get into any trouble at school. And here we are struggling every day to get our kids out of the house every morning in good time. We actually believe that we are the only ones struggling. In my sessions with parents, I have had some parents say, ‘I think I am the only one struggling out here, other parents seem to have it so easy!’. The truth is, cliché as it may sound, the grass is always greener on the other side. There’s no such thing as a perfect parent. Drop that image and focus on putting your best foot forward, every moment. And when you think you have failed, give yourself kindness and compassion, and give yourself another opportunity.
Drop the image of perfect-child
The same way we have a picture of a perfect parent, we also have a picture of a perfect child. This child is outgoing and calm, artistic and analytic, sporty and academic …. And every time our children make mistakes, we compare them with this perfect image. Here is a question for you, as you are interacting with your child, especially during an intense moment, are you relating with the child in front of you, are the ideal child in your head? Your child has many strengths, and they also have many areas they still need to work on. Encourage and support them in these areas. Accept your child for who they are, because this will position you to accept yourself for the parent you need to be for them.
When in doubt about what to do, choose relationship over consequences
The time for consequences will always be there – childhood is 18 years and your child’s brain will fully develop at 25. Right now look at the bigger picture. You are not running out of time to teach and model the behavior you would like to see in your child. I am not saying forget consequences all together. Instead, give consequences for misbehavior during your calm moments. If you are not sure what to do about your teenager spending too much time on the screen, allocate time to spend an hour or two in their screen world. Ask questions about what they are doing on the device and seek to understand. This way, you can use such a moment to tell them about the dangers of spending too much time on their screen. Our children respond to us better when they feel connected to us.
Be clear about your non-negotiable values
What are your values as a family? Have you shared your non-negotiable values with your children? For example, if you decide that there is no screen-time during the week, be clear about why it is important to you. With older children, have factual information about why too much screen time is unhealthy. However, make sure that you also have rules that you can be flexible on. For example, if your child comes home from a long trip and they are tired, you can ease off on their routine so that they do not have to strictly follow it. Allow them to come home and just relax, and do nothing, as long as it does not interfere with what is expected of them in school. In other words, as much as you have rules that are non-negotiable, allow for some flexibility on others. In our sessions with parents, we talk about rules ‘written in stone’ and rules ‘written on sand’.
Harness a community around you
It still takes a village to raise a child. You cannot do this alone. Our children thrive when the adults in their environment are stable, and are working together. Your neighbor, your ‘chamaa’ members, your siblings, your friends, your children’s school friends – all those can make very good sources of the village. Invest in your relationships and agree on the values that are important to all of you. Rally the right stable adults around your children and create a village for them. Our children thrive when they have meaningful connections with caring and stable adults in their space. Adults who are intentional in connecting with them.
Breathe-In; Breathe-Out
Always take a moment to breathe. You are growing a human being, not fixing a piece of furniture. So, relax. You are enough. You can do this. You have time. Relationships are developed over time. Do not be in a hurry to ‘hack’ it.
Which one of these tips can you relate to the most? Or which area of your parenting do you feel you need more help with? Is it Discipline? Relationship? Building your village? Perhaps it's all of them. At Stawi Camp for Wellbeing we have carefully curated a space to help all kinds of families to thrive. Sign up for Stawi 1-1 Coaching with Dr. Carol if you desire to experience a healthier, open and more authentic relationship with your children today.
