Part - 2
Greetings, parents,
Mama Elena here.
Have you ever apologized to an adult you’ve wronged multiple times, because you value, love, and cherish that relationship? How did it feel?
And now, have you ever apologized to your child—realizing you’ve been wrong or want to parent them better? How did that feel?
After taking the Conscious Discipline Masterclass series, I wanted to start my discipline journey on a clean slate, and asking for forgiveness felt essential. I could have simply set aside my harsh disciplinary tools and eased into conscious discipline, but my ego had to take a back seat.
For nearly two years now, I’ve been having separate “dates” with each of my children during school breaks or whenever its needed. During my recent date with Ella, while she was happily biting into some chicken and enjoying her Fanta Blackcurrant, I told her I needed to speak to her about something.
My daughter has a strong voice, one that could shake even an unprepared adult. She asked, “Mummy, kwani, what is it?”
Me: "Elena, I’m sorry for taking you to school that day and shaming you in front of your friends, teacher, and the assembly. I’m so sorry; I realize now I was very mean to you. I shouldn’t have done that. Please forgive me…”
Then she said the words I wasn’t prepared to hear. She described how it felt and expressed her hurt. I kept apologizing as she continued to unpack it all. Finally, she said, “I forgive you, Mummy.”
You see, adults may not always remember every detail, but children do. She didn’t spare me.
Then, during a separate date with my son, I did the same. He mentioned a few things, then simply said, “It’s okay, Mummy.” I’m not sure if that’s true forgiveness, but I tried.
One statement from the Conscious Discipline class that resonated deeply with me: “A self-aware parent is a healthy parent, and Parental Self-Awareness = Children’s Wellbeing.”
Realizing that the discipline tools I’d been using didn’t fit my parenting style was such a breakthrough. I needed to be aware of my children’s unique personalities and the environment they’re growing up in.
One thing I’ve come to understand is that discipline doesn’t have to be loud or overwhelming to be effective. Discipline is more lived than the way I first experienced it.
I’ve also learned that different seasons in life require different discipline tools—not Mama Wambua’s or Mama Talia’s approach, but one tailored to our family.
Key Lessons from Disciplining My Daughter:
- A Regulated Parent = A Regulated Child:
I should be able to identify my emotions, put a name to it and deal with it by myself without letting the emotions spill over to the children. My emotions are my responsibility and not my child’s. When my emotions are high, I can’t discipline her in a healthy way. I may unknowingly mirror her reactions, essentially throwing a tantrum myself.
2. My children need to feel Seen, Safe and Soothed to feel Secure.
My daughter has been seeking my attention, wanting me to connect with her before she can truly listen and understand the lessons I’m teaching her. She won’t absorb the importance of responsibility, organization, or even education unless she feels I’m intentionally present and willing to listen to her frustrations without jumping to harsh conclusions..
3. On Confident Discipline:
I need to learn how to hold space for my daughter during moments of frustration and pushback. Her brain is still developing, and she may not understand my logic on schooling and life. Yelling and threats only heighten her anxiety, so I’m learning to let her express herself, even as she grieves the ideas she’s not yet ready to let go of..
4. Emotional Containment as Discipline:
I've realized I don’t always allow my daughter to finish her cycle of grief because it triggers me. Her endless crying stirs memories of rejection, something I felt as a child. So I try to silence her feelings rather than connect with her in these moments, which only deepens her resistance to my discipline.. Allowing Emotional Expression: Growing up, I was taught to suppress my anger, often hiding it behind a smile. This isn’t a template I want for my children. I’m learning to allow them to be angry, sad, or quiet, and to let them find their own calm.
I’m now guiding my daughter to regulate her emotions and communicate her needs without crying.
I’m happy to share that she can now calmly express her desire for homeschooling or a school change without tears, and we discuss it openly. Three days a week, she tells me she doesn’t want to go to school. Thanks to self-regulation, I’m aware of what’s “in my cup,” so we have cozy conversations on these mornings, and she leaves for school happily. A silent hug does wonders for her, too.
I realized she’s still grieving the loss of her previous school, four years later. I had to move her to a public school due to financial constraints after becoming a single parent.
Key Lessons from Disciplining My Son:
- Children Act Their Age: My assumption that my son’s behavior was undisciplined only confused him. He began operating out of fear, trying to act like an adult instead of learning genuine responsibility. A boy who loves football shouldn’t be afraid to play. Instead of punishment, I now discuss time management with him so he learns to balance chores, play, and rest.
- Spanking Breeds Fear, Not Trust: Spanking had instilled fear in him, which blocks a loving, conscious connection. Now, he can freely talk to me if he forgets something, and we revisit our family’s values and guidelines calmly.
- A misbehaving child is an untrained child: I’m developing a skill set to train my children on what we value. We’ve had issues with screen time, so we agreed on two entertainment programs and three skill-based programs each, instead of mindlessly consuming content.
Key Lessons from Reflecting on Myself as a Parent:
- Parental Self-Awareness Rewires the Brain: The more self-aware I become, the more ineffective old parenting habits fall away. This opens me up to healthier, more beneficial tools.
- Self-Compassion: Forgiving myself for past mistakes as a parent brings me freedom and peace in my parenting now. I forgive myself for the fear of connecting with my kids after my marriage ended; I feared I’d mess up as a single parent. But children can thrive with just one stable adult, and I’ve chosen to be that stable figure for them.
- Self-Care is Key: My self-healing profoundly impacts my parenting, allowing me to discipline consciously and without ego.
You can access resources on Conscious Discipline by Signing up through this link today!
Yours,
A stable and self-aware adult,
Mama Elena