I have been through many phases and faces of parenting but the one that made me almost lose my mind was parenting after separation & divorce.
My name is Emily, I am a mother of two, a boy and girl turning 12 & 10 years respectively in October 2024.
In the earlier years, I did long distance parenting since the other parent was outside the country for a period of 5yrs. At that time I parented two kids with a small age gap, juggling career, house helps and evening classes - I went back to school when my daughter was 2yrs.
Still, I cannot compare this phase to the phase I went through after separation/divorce – No. This one brought my insides out, completely.
After separation and divorce happens, parents have several issues to deal with:
- Co Parenting or not at all. The ‘not at all’ comes with its own anger because one has to learn to do without the other parent.
- Mental health for the children. They may be too young to verbalize much – but that does not mean that they are not soaking what they watch, feel and hear. Often, this comes to play once the separation happens. It can show up in different ways as I’ll share further on.
- Resistance to change by the children after divorce. No child, not even the adult, is ever really ready for divorce. The journey towards acceptance can be heavy and draining for the kids and the parent.
- Their own pain that comes with divorce. As they process the pain, they still need you to practice healthy parenting!
Between September 2020 to - early 2022 my children and I went through phases of pains, regret and stretches that made me regret ever becoming a parent. I blamed myself for the separation, spanked my children without second thought as they kept displaying “bad behaviors”, I yelled, I cried, I neglected them and even contemplated taking them back to their dad.
I was overwhelmed in every sense.
Just to loop you in, my children had just gotten their father back into the country, and no sooner had they began enjoying his presence than the marriage came to a halt. And it came to a bad halt because they watched a series of domestic abuse. They were angry and confused on how to feel about everything else. They wanted their father in their house and at the same time wanted a home without war.
My son, being the one who went seeking help one night when an incident of physical abuse was happening, became extremely rebellious, having panic attacks and kept fighting other children in school.
I kept going to school to settle scores with other parents. Sometimes he wouldn’t fight but he’d be found separating the kids who were fighting because he didn’t want them hurting each other.
At some point, my children’s teachers called me to school and advised that my kids needed to see a child psychologist.
My daughter had completely gone dumb, she’d burst into tears whenever the teacher would coerce her to speak, she’d distance herself from everyone else and soak in her world. My son stayed dazed through the day and completely lost concentration in class. They were diagnosed with child depression.
During the school holidays, my son would spend the whole day outside the compound because he couldn’t just stay indoors. He’d sneak in in the evening just when he knew I’d be back at that time. He ran away from home a lot of times. His performance dropped. His confidence was brought to zero and he’d break down each time saying he doesn’t have a father like other did. He’d refuse to follow through with his chores and just stay idling, his concentration was completely affected. He blamed himself over and over again for the ended marriage, he kept on saying how if he’d not have run to call the neighbors, people wouldn’t have come and we’d not be ashamed and I couldn’t have left. He was adamant for a long time blaming himself for the divorce.
When co-parenting couldn’t work at some point, he became extremely bitter, he felt unloved and he couldn’t agree to be with the other parent when they decided to show up in his life again. It was strenuous to me as the resident parent.
During this phase I had assumed that my daughter was all good since she was the youngest -then it all came in torrents. She began crying uncontrollably, she became extremely hysterical each morning, she’d be wailing asking to be taken to her dad hiding under bed and not wanting to go to school. I’d break down and cry and later take her to school when she was calmer and then report late to work.
This same time, my daughter was bed wetting every single night. This came in after separation -she had stopped bedwetting already. Waking up to change bedsheets and clean them up each morning drained me. She'd be so angry and would refuse to cooperate during the “wet” mornings and cry so much at the time of showering.
It worsened, whenever she’d have a bad day in school, she’d wet herself up, whether standing or sitting or while in the school van. When someone would shout at her, she responded in a pool of urine. Whenever her agemates said anything about her, she’d get all soaked up in a pool. I had to embrace cleaning up all through the week.
Then she began responding negatively to bed wetting, she’d not play with other children because her mind had alerted her that other kids know about it. She stayed indoors till mid last year. (These days I go looking for her to come home, she plays a lot.)
So how did I handle my children as I handled myself through all these?
One morning, I am attending a morning devotion that Dr. Carol was also present in. I was so overwhelmed and when I was giving my take out that morning, I just broke down sharing about my parenting journey and how tired I was. I was giving up. I was tired of struggling in all fronts as a parent.
Long story short Dr. Carol invited me for the open day. The journey of becoming a farmer parent began. I began to consciously connect with my children. I began listening more to their hearts more than how I listened and reacted to their actions. We began addressing the whys.
My son began trusting me with his fears, he explained why he feared staying in the house. The abuse he experienced while I was married tormented him, he heard screams and fists whenever he’d be home alone with no adult. I had to assure him of security and peace in our new home. I began parenting gently. I stopped focusing on school performance but how his heart beat and how he expressed himself. I assured him he had nothing to do with the failed marriage, that it wasn’t his fault.
I began looking forward to the evening since we’d have conversations before bed each day. We turned our Friday evenings into a fun day doing what my children liked - dancing to their kind of music or movies or singing.
Last year I went beyond and above myself to get into the swimming pool with them and they happily began training me how to swim. They were so excited to see me join them inside a swimming pool.
My son moved from being ranked among the last to being in the top 10 - even top 4 and he’s excelling in his football game training as well. And he draws so well.
My daughter has become extremely expressive, she speaks her mind without fear. Whenever the hysteria arises, I create room for conversation and we come up with a better way of handling issues. I chose to make her know that bedwetting was not her identity and it will stop when it will. We celebrate dry days and hug on wet days. It’s not always that we experience wet days unlike before. I sat them down and we had a discussion about it and myself and her brother agreed that it’s a family issue and we’ll both help her overcome it - we’ll cover her, help her, take turns in airing beddings and just loving on her on the wet days just as the dry days.
When she’s not comfortable visiting a family friend due to anxiety of bed wetting, we don’t all go or sometimes I let the brother go. I have created room for her to talk about her fears around bed wetting - how she feels about it and it has been so comforting and encouraging.
And did I say she now does poems and music before audiences! She actually sings and performs so well in class. And she draws too! She’s an artist.
During Stawi Campions Parenting sessions, I dug within myself and realized I had false beliefs around single parenting. I was so scared of doing it alone because I was sure I’d fail. Those beliefs had put me on edge yelling, angry, spanking, running away from the main issues and at the same time neglecting my children’s inner needs.
The 10-week program with Stawi presented me with tools that took off my back a whole burden of parenting after the phase of separation/divorce. I am confidently parenting during this phase of my life; I am more self-aware and becoming a farmer parent day by day.
Happy parenting to you and keep in mind no matter where you are on your parenting journey, you too can benefit from the Stawi Champions Parenting Program.
The sessions help parents who desire to have healthy relationships with their children to identify the obstacles that get in their way, build resilience and thrive through every phase of their parenting journey. Join us on August 8th, 2024 as we kickstart Stawi Champions Season 6.
Happy Parenting!
Author; Emily Omondi
