I want you to picture this. You have a cup of tea in your hand. When someone accidentally bumps into you and the tea spills, what contents will spill out?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Whatever will spill out is what is in your tea-cup. If the contents of your tea are hot, then it is likely that it might scald you, or the person nearby.
And that is how it is with parenting. In our hearts, we carry feelings, thoughts, beliefs, memories and experiences. These are the contents of our tea-cups. When our children behave in ways that we find unacceptable, they bump our tea-cup – and whatever is inside, is what will spill out.
As we think about ‘What is in your tea-cup’, let us remember that our children also have stuff brewing in their tea-cups as well.
I came across this analogy and I thought…how profound! Truly, (mis)behavior is the tip of the iceberg……By Stacey Gagnon
‘Our children often present with behaviors that look like the shark, but if we look below the water, we will realize they are really just scared goldfish trying to have a need met. Their behaviors might communicate anger and hostility, but below the surface is fear and a hurting child. It is our job as parents to stop parenting the shark fin, and look below the surface and meet the needs of the goldfish'.
When Stacey Gagnon shared this story with some inmates in prison, one of the inmates raised her hand and said, "I'm a lot like that picture. I act all tough and mean, but I'm really just a scared fish. I wish when I was a kid, someone would have thought to look for the goldfish, instead of just seeing me as a shark."
So pause, and ask yourself. ‘'Am I parenting the shark fin? Can I see the scared goldfish below the water?''
If you see your children presenting with behaviors that look like the shark during intense moments, pause before you respond. In most cases, our children’s behaviors might communicate anger and hostility, but below the surface is fear and a hurting child. Instead, set time aside to respond in the calm moments. Remember, it is our job to stop parenting the shark fin and look below the surface to meet the needs of the goldfish.
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