Let’s talk about one of my favorite topics – DISCIPLINE! As a parent coach, DISCIPLINE is one area that I get the most common questions from parents. Here are some of the things that most parents say:
- I feel like I have run out of discipline options. I have tried everything – spanking, time-outs, taking away privileges – and it seems as if my child is getting worse.
- I am worried that if we keep going this way, I will not be able to handle him when he becomes a teenager.
- How do I discipline my child without breaking him? How do I balance between being firm and being kind?
You should know that these are very valid and relevant questions. When parents come to me with discipline related questions, really what they are looking for are the tips that they can apply so that their children’s behaviors can change. Usually I will give them the tips, but not directly. What I do is first get them to focus on creating a conducive environment so that those tips will work. This is the longer route - but as I always tell them – you are growing a human being, not fixing a piece of furniture!
When it comes to discipline, here are THREE questions to consider.
What frame of mind am I in?
Sometimes we lash out at our children because of other things that are going on with us. We could be tired, or stressed out, or having difficulties at work, or the toddler has been acting up… and we take it out on our children. However, what we need to remember is that the best time to teach our children any lesson is when we are both calm. THE LESSONS LAND BETTER!
Let us consider this scenario - You discover that your 11-year-old daughter has not been completing their homework for the last 2 weeks and has been lying about it for a while. Your first instinct is likely to deal with this behavior immediately. However, instead of trying to ‘nip-it-in-the-bud’, think about how you could use this moment to teach your child about the value of honesty and integrity. These are life-lessons that take time to nurture, which means that you don't actually have to do something about it the very moment you discover that they lied. I acknowledge that this goes against everything we have been told about discipline – that it must be immediate for the lesson to land. But really, the best time to teach key lessons is when both you and your child are calm. SO, in the moment, here is what you can say – ‘I am feeling disappointed right now that you chose to lie about having done your homework. You know how much we value honesty and taking responsibility. I am not in the right frame of mind to give you any consequences right now, but we will talk about it when I am calmer”.
More importantly, remember to REVISIT the issue when you are calmer. It's best not to let things slip just because you are feeling better and your child looks and acts remorseful. So, follow through with whatever consequences are appropriate to teach your child the values of honesty and responsibility.
What do I want to achieve?
As parents, many of us believe that discipline is that ONE thing you do to get a child to change their behavior. We believe that every misbehavior must be followed by an immediate consequence, because the behavior must be nipped in the bud, right there and then. In some cases, this might be the case, especially in risk taking behavior that might endanger a child’s life. However, not every behavior is for painful immediate nipping.
Discipline is about creating the right environment for a child to learn, a process where we pass on the values they need so that when they are not with us, they can and will still thrive. So, if your 11 year old has been lying about having done her homework, what do you really want to achieve when you think about discipline? Is it so that she NEVER lies again?Truth is, it is unrealistic to think that our children will cease and desist from lying just because we gave them a very severe punishment.
Remember, you and I still struggle with following rules, at our age. So we need to have a realistic mindset about the goal of discipline. The goal of discipline is about learning - not - so that this specific behavior will NEVER happen again.. This is the time to pause and ask yourself – what do I want my child to learn about honesty and responsibility? Ultimately, when you think about the behavior in terms of the VALUES you want to pass on, rather than simply making the behavior go away (just so your life is easier), then you get to understand that values take time to nurture… and that you need to find as many opportunities to pass on these values EVEN when they have not ‘misbehaved’. ESPECIALLY when they have not ‘misbehaved’.
Why did my child ‘misbehave’?
Any good doctor knows that a symptom is only a sign that something else needs to be addressed - so it is with behavior - it is the tip of the iceberg. We need to learn to be objective about our children’s behaviors and stop taking them too personally. When you personalize your child’s misbehavior, it is a sure recipe for reactivity, because it is likely to trigger feelings of anger and frustration, and your discipline method is unlikely to be objective. Instead, approach your child’s misbehavior with curiosity. Rather than conclude that; ‘my child is a liar and she will end up in prison’,(you will be surprised how many parents have this thought!) ask yourself – why did my child see the need to lie? Is this a habit she is picking from somewhere else? Is there a way I react when she makes a mistake that would cause her to opt to lie rather than tell the truth? Ask these questions, not from a place of self-blame, but a place of curiosity. Is there something else that is going on that my child is trying to communicate?
It is much easier to want to conclude that your child is manipulative and disobedient and this behavior must be eliminated right away. However, what if there is more going on? When you think about the long-term values you want to teach – the values of honesty and taking responsibility, then you can relax and allow the space for a little investigation into why your child felt the need to lie. Ultimately, if we do not connect with the needs of children that may cause the behavior, then the behavior will keep recurring, because we will forever be treating the symptoms, not the root cause.
It is my hope that these three questions will guide you into creating the right environment for your child to learn, because learning is the ultimate goal of discipline. If you are looking for support in your parenting journey, contact a parent coach in Kenya today!