What is the one area of persistent conflict you are experiencing with your child? If you are parenting teenagers or preteens, it could be homework, chores, screen time, school hassles, or not listening. If you are parenting toddlers you could be dealing with big emotions, tantrums, biting, or hitting. Whatever the area of perplexity, as parents, we are always looking to minimize misbehavior in our children. How do we do that?
My invitation to you is to consider reframing how you view misbehavior, rather than focusing on ‘fixing’ the persistent area of conflict . Ask yourself, ‘is this a misbehavior or a skill that your child needs to learn?’ What, really, is the ‘skills gap?’.
Here is an example - if your child is a ‘persistent whiner’, the skills gap could be - how can you support him to learn how to communicate his needs? If your child acts out her anger in a tantrum, she needs support on how to tolerate frustration; or how to express her frustration. However, for you to hold space for your child to express their frustration, you must have the ability to tolerate frustrating situations.
And here is the kicker, dear parent – how comfortable are you with feelings of frustration?
Your ability to tolerate frustrating situations is a sure sign that you can support your child in managing their frustration.
Back to reframing. When you learn to reframe your child’s misbehaviors in terms of a skill they need to learn, you can then take time to create the environment for them to learn this new skill. So, rather than viewing your child’s behavior as defiance, disrespect, lying, not listening, distracted, entitled, terrible, demanding, lazy or irresponsible, consider these areas of ‘skills-gaps’. Your child may need help with:
- Expressing their frustration
- Tolerating their disappointment
- Transitioning from one activity or task to another
- Managing their time
- Being flexible
- Being open to new ideas
- Maintaining focus
- Articulating what is wrong
- Communicating what they need
- Communicating with respect
If you take a moment and think about these skills, you will discover that they are directly related to the misbehavior you notice in your children. Ask yourself how long has it taken you, the adult that you are, to master these skills? How's your time management? Your focus? Are you open to new ideas? How do you express your frustrations or communicate your needs?
Remember, you cannot pass what you do not have. Neither should you expect your child to just stop! So, my invitation to you today is this - pick an area that you consider as a ‘skills-gap’ and find information on how to teach these skills to your child. At Stawi Camp for Wellbeing, we have curated a space to help both you and your children to thrive by supporting you with a practical parenting toolkit no matter what stage you are in your parenting journey. We have resources that will support you to nurture these skills in your child, starting with you!
Contact us today and let us walk this journey together.