No parent would readily acknowledge this - but whether we like it or not - our children will lie at some point….. and we are often likely to REACT when they do. Research shows that it is normal for a child between age 4 to 17 years to lie …AND….. if handled well, lying tends to ease off considerably by the time our children are 17 or 18 years old.
How we handle it today makes THE difference. So how do we handle it?
First, we need to understand why children lie. Children lie for the same reasons adults lie:
- To avoid getting into trouble.
- To impress others.
- So they do not disappoint someone in authority, or someone they love.
- Because they have not been trained to think through something before they say it.
- Because of how we will react when they tell us the truth – they may not feel safe telling us the truth.
- To make someone else feel better.
Second, children will tell the truth if the environment has been created to tell the truth. Dr. Shefali Tsabary, author of The Conscious Parent reminds us, “There is only one reason a child lies to its parents: the conditions for it to feel safe have not been created.”
When we send our kids the message that they can tell the truth without fear of retribution, we’ll make great strides in promoting honesty in our homes.
How can we do this? Here are SEVEN tips to set up your child to tell the truth:
- Start by modeling honesty yourself. Do you tell ‘white lies’? Do you tend to conceal the truth just a little, or make up stuff to get your kids off your back when you do not have the time to answer a question? Pause, reflect and think through your responses.
- Create an environment where your child knows that it is safe to make mistakes. Pay attention to how you REACT when you catch them in a lie. When you react in anger, you put them on the defensive and they make a mental note to be sure that next time they will not get caught. Instead, I welcome you to take time to process why you could be angry. Think - what interpretation am I making of my child’s lie? If your child knows that you won’t react when they mess up, they’ll be more likely to be open and honest with you.
- Do not label your child a ‘liar’ when you catch them in a lie. Give them a second chance to say the truth. For example, you can say - ‘go think about the answer you want to give me and come back again.’
- Do not promise them that you will let them off the hook if they tell the truth. So, if the truth reveals that they actually misbehaved, the child should still experience the planned consequences for misbehavior. However, they get to be rewarded for revealing that truth. Whenever your child tells the truth, acknowledge it and appreciate it. Separate these two situations.
- Let them know trust is earned and it takes time and repeated events. Have ongoing conversations about why honesty is important. A good example - you can say ‘’people will trust you more when you tell the truth.’’ You can also say, ‘’When you lie, people will not believe you the next time.’’ This will teach your child the value of honesty.
- Be a farmer parent – see the lie as a weed that needs to be treated from the root cause. In our Stawi Champions Parenting Classes, we go into lengths to help you understand the root causes of why children misbehave.
- Do not set them up to lie. For example - If you go to their room and discover that they did not clean it up, do not go and ask them whether they cleaned up the room. You will be setting them up to lie. Instead, you could say something like, ‘I noticed that your room is still messy, I expect you to clean it up right away, and here are the consequences for not cleaning up, like we discussed….’ If you are not clear about consequences that work, sign up for our Stawi Champions Parenting Classes for practical tips on Discipline and Consequences.
Honesty is a core value that you can instill in your child from a very young age. Are you wondering how you can create a safe space for your children to be honest with you? If you want to learn more, we invite you to contact us for a practical parenting toolkit that will help your children thrive.